Woke up early in the morning today and felt so bad. Could no longer take it and visited the doc. For the first time, I'm having ear infection. No wonder my left ear hurts so bad. Even up till now.

Sigh. Why does every little thing link up together and I felt so torn inside. Right now, typing this post with both my eyes swollen, my right eye swelled up so bad that my double eyelid has even gone missing. I look like another person already. Can hardly recognize myself especially during the process of both my eyes getting swollen and hurt so bad. What the heck is going on right now in my life?

Just yesterday, I went out with sissy pal to work on my portfolio at National Library. Seems like I'm starting all over again to come up with a fashion illustration portfolio but I honestly suck at figure drawing, human constructions? And today, just when I planned to do something productive, my illness is back to greet me and it got worst. Having to deal with the pain of my left blocked ear, with blocked nose and currently eyes swollen till such a serious extent, I can hardly focus on anything. I feel pissed with myself lacking the motivation and drive to do the things I wish I could accomplish. I don't even feel like starting on it. Why am I so goddamn lazy and distracted all the time? My mind feels distracted, filled with jumpy thoughts of random memories, which probably ended up me having insomnia these days. I can barely sleep with tired eyes and my entire being just feel so listless in the day. Tired at night but what's the point when I can't sleep, so worn out, so weary. And finally when I got some sleep, I would wake up in the middle of the night for no reason? And sometimes woke up in the middle of the night from certain weird dreams, which makes me even sadder.

Torn between my realistic and dreamy goals. I really need to work a lot more harder, to push myself harder in life. Everywhere I go, everyone I've seen, they're all like, "Why have you lost so much weight? You look tired. Why is that so.....?" Yeah why? Lack of sleep, lack of energy, lack of a sense of direction, lack of goals.

Still a long long way to go if I'm gonna step on arts. I'm so worn out. When I look into the mirror, it's pretty scary. I thought I really found a depression-looking anorexic girl that can already witness the ribcages, bones and skeletons protruding out from her body more obvious than ever. Wow. Great job.

I want to slap myself and just get on my feet. Forever living in the past and sometimes feeling like so paralyzed by the time. I should stop behaving like this. Feeling so worthless. My health, so problematic. My life, still quite lost currently. Sigh.

The only person who can help me is myself.